At 4.48
when depression visits
I shall hang myself
to the sound of my lover's breathing
I do not want to die
I have become so depressed by the fact of my mortality that I have decided to commit suicide
I do not want to live
This is not a world in which I wish to live.
I want to scream for you, the only doctor who ever touched me voluntarily, who looked me in the eye, who laughed at my gallows humour spoken in the voice from the newly-dug grave, who took the piss when I shaved my head, who lied and said it was nice to see me. Who lied. And said it was nice to see me. I trusted you, I loved you,
Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on I cannot fucking go on without expressing this terrible so fucking awful physical aching fucking longing I have for you. And I cannot believe that I can feel this for you and you feel nothing. Do you feel nothing?
And I go out at six in the morning and start my search for you. If I've dreamt a message of a street or a pub or a station I go there. And I wait for you.
(Silence.)
I want to sleep next to you and do your shopping and
carry your bags and tell you how much I love being with you
And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand an go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day and type up your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the tv programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I'm black and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I'd get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm loosing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the/ overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.
(Silence.)
I've never in my life had a problem giving another person what they want. But no one's ever been able to do that for me. No one touches me, no one gets near me. But now you've touched me somewhere so fucking deep I can't believe and I can't be that for you. Because I can't find you.
Do you think it's possible for a person to be born in the wrong body? (Silence.)
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for rejecting me by never being there, fuck you for making me feel shit about myself, fuck you for bleeding the fucking love and life out of me, fuck my father for fucking up my life for good and fuck my mother for not leaving him, but most of all, fuck you God for making me love a person who does not exist,
I dread the loss of him I've never touched love keeps me a slave in a cage of tears
I gnaw my tongue with which to him I can never speak
I miss a man who was never born
I kiss a man across the years that say we shall never meet
my thought walks away with a killing smile leaving discordant anxiety
which roars in my soul
No hope No hope No hope
A song for my loved one, touching his absence the flux of his heart, the splash of his smile
In ten years time he'll still be dead. When I'm living with it, dealing with it, when a few days pass when I don't even think of it, he'll still be dead. When I'm an old lady living ion the street forgetting my name he'll still be dead, he'll still be dead, he'll still be dead, it's just
fucking
over
and I must stand alone
My love, my love, why have you forsaken me? he is the couching place where I never shall lie
and there's no meaning to life in the light of my loss
Built to be lonely to love the absent
Find me
Free me
from this
corrosive doubt futile despair
horror in repose
I can fill my space fill my time
but nothing can fill this void in my heart
The vital need for which I would die
Cut out my tongue tear out my hair
cut off my limbs
but leave me my love
I would rather have lost my legs
pulled out my teeth gouged out my eyes than lost my love
Sanity is found at the centre of convulsion, where madness is scorched form the bisected soul.
At 4.48
I shall sleep
I came to you hoping to be healed.
You are my doctor, my saviour, my omnipotent judge, my priest, my god, the surgeon of my soul.
And I am your proselyte to sanity.
– You've seen the worst of me.
– I know nothing of you.
– But I like you.
(Silence.)
– You're my last hope. (A long silence.)
– You don't need a friend you need a doctor. (A long silence.)
(A very long silence.)
– But you have friends. (A long silence.)
You have a lot of friends.
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive? (A long silence.)
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive? (A long silence.)
What do you offer? (Silence.)
We have a professional relationship. I think we have a good relationship. But it's professional.
(Silence.)
I feel your pain but I cannot hold your life in my hands. (Silence.)
You'll be all right. You're strong. I know you'll be okay because I like you and you can't like someone who doesn't like themself. I'll miss you. And I know you'll be ok.
When I walk out of here at the end of the day I need to go home to my lover and relax. I need to be with my friends and relax. I need my friends to be really together.
(Silence.)
I fucking hate this job and I need my friends to be sane. (Silence.)
you will always have a piece of me because you held my life in your hands
like a bird on the wing in a swollen sky my mind is torn by lightning
What am I like?
the child of negation
out of one torture chamber into another
a vile succession of errors without remission every step of the way I've fallen
Anguish for which doctors can find no cure
I hope you never understand
Because I like you
I like you
I like you
still black water
as deep as forever
as cold as the sky
as still as my heart when your voice is gone
I shall freeze in hell of course I love you you saved my life
I wish you hadn't
I wish you hadn't
I wish you'd left me alone
I've always loved you
even when I hated you
the only thing that's permanent is destruction we're all going to disappear
trying to leave a mark more permanent that myself
the vital need for which I would die to be loved
I'm dying for one who doesn't care
I'm dying for one who doesn't know
I have no desire for death no suicide ever had
watch me vanish watch me
vanish watch me
watch me
It is myself I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind
please open the curtains
