For my mom. I couldn't cry, so i was writing...
Main kuch hafte baad mar jaungi.
Aap kyo hanste hain? Vishvas nahi ho raha hai meri baato par? Aapko lagta hai ki sirf buzurg log is duniya se chale jate hain? Aur main na buzurg na bimaar lagti hu aapko…
Lekin yah sach hai. Main kuch hafte baad mar jaungi.
Shayad teen hafte baad. Shayad panch. Lekin mar jaungi. Dhire dhire mere sharir ke sare ang khamosh rahenge. Aur dil? Kya dil aur aatma kabhi khamosh ho sakte hain?
Kya vaha koi hai jo mera intazar kar raha hai? Koi hai jo mera swagat karega vaha? Ya shayad kuch bhi nahi? Andhera. Pata hai, main andhere se bahut darti hu. Bachpan se. Agar vaha andhera hi hoga to main vaha jana nahi chahti hu, mujhe dar lagta hai. Mujhe dar lagta hai andhere se. Agar vaha andhera hi hoga to kya tum mere sath vaha ja sakte ho? Kya us andhere me ek mumbatti jala sakte ho mere liye?
Main janti hu ki tumhara bahut kaam hai, lekin kya tum ek mumbatti jala sakte ho vaha mere liye? Please… Mujhe dar lagta hai.
Pata hai, aaj barish hui. Mujhe barish ki mahak kitni acchi lagti hai. Yah gulab jo hai mere ghar ke samne, vo kitni sundar lagti hai aaj. Vo itni sundar hai, kyoki pichle sardi ke samay maine usko barf se bachaya. Maine uske phul par ek chotisi woollen topi dala. Kya is saal bhi sardi ke samay itni thand hogi? Agar thand rahegi sardi me to mere gulab ka kya hoga? Kya tum ek chotisi topi uske liye banaoge? Kya yaad rahega tumko? Ya main yah likhu kahi tumhare liye ki tum mere gulab ke liye sardi ke samay choti si topi banae. Dekho, maine likh liya.
Kya tumko lagta hai ki mujhe vaha se meri gulab dikhegi? Vaha se jaha main ja rahi hu kuch hafte baad?
Tum aaj pareshan lag rahe ho. Kyo? Office me kuch problem hua kya? Kya fir se documents samay par nahi aae aur tumhara kaam ruk gaya? Yah bahut buri baat hai. Tumko un logo ko call karna chahiye aur unse kah dena ki tumko sara kaam jaldi khatm karna hai. Aao, baitho. Main khana lagati tu. Aaj maine yah dish banaya jo tumko itna accha lagta tha… Main naam bhul gayi… Kal kya khaoge? Zarasa bato. Main yah chahti hu ki tumko mere khana ka svad yaad me rahe. Main chahti hu ki main abhi yahi khana banau jo tumhari pasandida hai, kyoki kuch hafte baad tumko mere hath ka khana milega nahi. Tum to canteen me khana khate rahoge, na? Tumhare office ka canteen accha hai. Tumko yaad hai – kitna maza aaya jab main January me tumhara office gayi aur humne sath lunch khaya. Tab main kitni sundar lagti thi tumko…
Tum kuch bolte nahi. Kyo? Main zyada bolti hu kya? Pata hai, main sab kuch bolna chahti hu. Har shabd, har vakya, sab kuch. Yah sare shabd jinki istamal maine zindagi me kabhi kiya nahi, main inko bhi bolna chahti hu. Saala… Abhi to koi fark nahi hai… Kisi ko bura nahi lagega. Main dekhna chahti hu ki har shabd ka apna roop kya hai, apni avaaz kya hai, apni dhvani kya hai... MAIN DEKHNA AUR SUNNA CHAHTI HU!!!!!
Kya tumko lagta hai ki vaha khamoshi hai yah kuch avaaze sunai dete hain? Kya sunai deta hai? Kuch gane? ..... ya sirf avaaze? “Krrrrrrrrrrr, aaaaaaaaaaaa.” Ya shayad logo ki baate? “Aap ke sath kya hua? Accident me mar gae aap?”
Dekha – main aaj bhi ek hi ladki hu jiski mazak se tum hanste ho.
Kya tumne socha kabhi ki us din kya pehnoge? Aise mat dekho muhje, iske bare me bhi sochna chahiye. Main chahti hu ki tum sundar lage. Safed kurta pahenkar tum mujhe hamesha acche lagte the. Ek naya kurta kharid lo us din ke liye. Hum kal sath jaenge. Log shaadi ke liye kapde kharidte hain, aur hum mere mar jane ke din ke liye. Aur main? Mujhe kya pahenna hoga? Main yah nahi chahti hu ki koi mere ko gande kapde me dekhe. Muhje pata hai. Yah sari jo tumko itni acchi lagti thi. Peacock wali sari. Mujhe isko pehenna hai us din.
Ha… Maine abhi tak socha nahi… Mere kapdo ka kya karoge tum? Kahi fenk doge, almire me rakhoge, ya jala doge inko? Mujhe koi fark nahi hai ki unka kya hoga, lekin yah chunni jo tumnepichle saal mujhe mere janmdin par de diya, please… isko kisi ko mat dena. Mujhe bura lagega. Mujhe bura lageaga agar yah chunni koi dusri ladki use karegi. Main nahi chahti hu. Yah meri chunni hai, tumhari aur meri. Meri aur tumhari. Kisi aur ki nahi. Suna tumne? Suna meri baat? Main nahi chahti hu ki koi dusra ladka is chunni ko dekhkar us dusri ladki se bole ki yah chunni bahut sundar hai. Yah meri chunni hai, tumne isko mujhe hi de diya. Is chunni ko sirf tum chhu sakte ho…
Main is chunni ko kisi ko dena nahi chahti hu. Meri chunni kaha hai? Kaha hai yah chunni? Tumne isko kaha rakha? Yah meri chunni hai. Main nahi chahti hu koi dusri ladki is chunni ko pehen le. Vo meri hai. Tumne mujhe hi is ko de diya…. Meri chunni…
Main thik hu. Rona nahi chahti thi. Mujhe kabhi kabhi aajkal achanak sab kuch bura lagta hai. Pata nahi kyo…
Main thak gayi. Kya tum mujhe sula sakte ho? Mere pas let jao. Mujhe pakad lo. Isse zyada. Aisa pakad lo mujhe jaise tumne aaj tak kabhi kiya nahi… Aur pas… Mera hath pakad lo… Pata hai, mujhe bachpan se andhere se dar lagta hai… Kya vaha andhera hi hoga? Kya tum vaha jakar mere liye ek mumbatti jala sakte ho???
