I opened the doors and sat on a threshold. It did have a symbolic meaning once upon a time when I was trying to find my way out of a white painted room, but today it did happen for real. A cup of hot tea in hand and memories of a man sitting in front of me long time back... The cat curled into a ball in my lap. The sound of the flute that played a false note from time to time and determination to finally strike a good one after a long time... A strange long creature with long white strands of hair writhing on a long green leaf right next to me.
Future butterfly or indestructible pest?
Why did you stop? I asked...
It was only few days back that I made up my mind not to perform anymore. I was sitting there in a corner looking at all those beautiful bodies and all I could think about was the meaninglessness of all that... Ironic that not so long ago I was feeling ashamed of myself for not being able to achieve that perfection... But that day I felt happy to be different... Few days prior to that was a strange night when I stood in the light with this peculiar need of showing off to the people on the other side... It was so embarrassing... So aggressive... So... A poet once said that all the artists are like prostitutes... and that was the feeling of that night when I discovered an aggressive performer in me... Not the silent actor who knew how to hold emotions inside, but a loud cocotte craving for the attention of the crowd. An entertainer...
No... My ambition does not go as far as that. My ambition was satiated many years back on a cold winter night in a theatre building that I knew so well... We finished the performance and I stood on the stage looking towards that space in the audience where I used to like sitting so much... I was smiling... It was a good day. House full. Praise from the director. Our light designer was looking at me from the corner of his eyes. I think he was smiling too. Smiling at a little girl lost in the world of her dreams... And that was it... The end of hunger for more... Internal peace.
Maybe I was never ambitious in the first place? Or maybe I changed in all those years...
It's not like I'm giving up, it's just that the paradigm has shifted. Private and internal.
A wise man once told me that my path is right... That the only thing missing is ability to sit and meditate... I'm discovering it now. Internal silence...
How I wish I could tell you that, but my courage always ends somewhere in the middle...
A teenage girl used to think that she could only woo you with striving towards that outer perfection... But you wouldn't even look...
A young woman has tears in her eyes when she thinks you could possibly find her beautiful for her being rather than doing.
She would like to knit a scarf for you for Christmas... Mixture of blue, green and red colour... Like the wings of a butterfly...
A strange long creature with long white strands of hair writhing on a long green leaf right next to me.
Future butterfly or indestructible pest?
Future butterfly or indestructible pest?
Why did you stop? I asked...
It was only few days back that I made up my mind not to perform anymore. I was sitting there in a corner looking at all those beautiful bodies and all I could think about was the meaninglessness of all that... Ironic that not so long ago I was feeling ashamed of myself for not being able to achieve that perfection... But that day I felt happy to be different... Few days prior to that was a strange night when I stood in the light with this peculiar need of showing off to the people on the other side... It was so embarrassing... So aggressive... So... A poet once said that all the artists are like prostitutes... and that was the feeling of that night when I discovered an aggressive performer in me... Not the silent actor who knew how to hold emotions inside, but a loud cocotte craving for the attention of the crowd. An entertainer...
No... My ambition does not go as far as that. My ambition was satiated many years back on a cold winter night in a theatre building that I knew so well... We finished the performance and I stood on the stage looking towards that space in the audience where I used to like sitting so much... I was smiling... It was a good day. House full. Praise from the director. Our light designer was looking at me from the corner of his eyes. I think he was smiling too. Smiling at a little girl lost in the world of her dreams... And that was it... The end of hunger for more... Internal peace.
Maybe I was never ambitious in the first place? Or maybe I changed in all those years...
It's not like I'm giving up, it's just that the paradigm has shifted. Private and internal.
A wise man once told me that my path is right... That the only thing missing is ability to sit and meditate... I'm discovering it now. Internal silence...
How I wish I could tell you that, but my courage always ends somewhere in the middle...
A teenage girl used to think that she could only woo you with striving towards that outer perfection... But you wouldn't even look...
A young woman has tears in her eyes when she thinks you could possibly find her beautiful for her being rather than doing.
She would like to knit a scarf for you for Christmas... Mixture of blue, green and red colour... Like the wings of a butterfly...
A strange long creature with long white strands of hair writhing on a long green leaf right next to me.
Future butterfly or indestructible pest?
