Salon des Refuses

Have you seen Monet's paintings? I love him. But did you know that his works were rejected by the Academie as not good enough for the Paris exhibition? And it was only seen by the public when Napoleon III declared that the rejected works by various painters shall be displayed in the Salon des Refuses...

I would never dream of seeing myself as equal to impressionist painters, but I also have my own private Salon des Refuses... of the work I wanted to do, proposals I have written, performances I wanted to give... You may laugh at them, I don't care... But they were an important part of what I wanted to do in life and somehow never did...

Application for performance in a festival in the North - rejected:

Motivation letter for scholarship for attending workshop by the sea side - rejected last year and this as well:

There once was a parrot that lived in a small cage up on a big green tree.

Everyday she would hear other birds singing songs, or see them flying high in the sky. But she didn't know how to sing. When she opened her mouth she would only squawk. Flying came to her only in her dreams. I do not think she even realised she was a bird.

The parrot's cage was small, and she did not know what to do, so she kept nodding her head over and over again and everybody around was happy to see such a polite and obedient parrot. One day a storm came and the cage fell down and broke. The parrot thought that she was badly hurt as she felt strange pain on the sides of her body. She looked at herself and saw her green wings for the first time in her life. The cage she lived in was so small that she could never spread them before.

She still does not know how to sing, but now the parrot wants to learn how to fly...

I began my journey as a dancer with the classical dance form of Bharatanatyam, and the martial arts based form of Seraikella Chhau. For many years these two formed the core of my training. I was happy with the bodily discipline imposed on me by these forms, the aesthetic beauty they provided and the fact that they were deeply rooted in Indian literature and culture. However, in the course of time, I experienced a sense of dissatisfaction with training that laid so much stress on the outer beauty of movement and expression but seemed to lack an inner awareness of the body. I felt the strong need to connect with my body and the way it wants to move rather than being forced to move in a way imposed by the grammar of the form. Thus I began to search for “the thinking body” (using the terminology of Mabel Todd) in terms of both emotional and somatic awareness.

Moving towards yoga was the first step I took. Practicing and teaching yoga did make me more aware of my body and breath but it was still another form of limiting myself and aiming at stillness rather than the free flowing movement I wanted to explore.

The turn towards contemporary forms came with entering the theatre world. An important experience was choreographing and acting the lead in a multilingual play .........., a project sponsored by ........ Although I used traditional forms of Chhau, Kalaripayattu, Bharatanatyam and Odissi I experienced a feeling of freedom from strict grammar as the form was not a goal in itself, but rather a tool to express emotional, textual and conceptual associations. A strange but valuable lesson I learned from this production was that the energy of touch carries a notion of truth in interpersonal relations, while language and external images have the capacity to lie. Another was discovering how strong the connection is between mind and body – how our psychological states influence our movement and vice-versa. This aroused my interest in the concept of expressive therapy.

My next steps in a contemporary idiom were working with a youth theatre group in .........., for which I choreographed and co-directed a play .............. based on the poetry of ............., and teaching movement for theatre in .............. In ............ I worked with three batches of students on devised physical presentations of poetry. In this context I chose the role of facilitator rather than teacher. This allowed the students to build personal connections between the written word, the self and bodily expression. It was refreshing to be able to come out of the Indian classical dance set-up, where a dancer is a tool in the hands of a choreographer rather than co-creator of the work. What was also valuable for me was the opportunity to observe how the individual physical responses of students differed in improvisation tasks based on textual associations. I was amazed once again at the strong connection between soma and psyche. The irony was, that I was not aware of the concept of somatic awareness at that time.

Another powerful experience came with acting in a non-verbal play............. Here the script provided the performer with outward physical clues from which an inner narrative was to be constructed. This work once again involved establishing associative and emotional connections between movement and the emotional self and it introduced me to the aesthetics of slow motion and stillness as well as tai-chi and butoh. It was exhilarating to be in the position of a student exploring new fields after a long time. Tai-chi that allowed me to look at my body and movement from the perspective of searching for inner connections within the body rather than through the prism of emotional associations or outer physical form for the first time.

As an Artist-in-Residence at .................... I choreographed a solo performance "Pocchawali". This was an exploration of my journey through movement training and my relationship with the ideas of death, life, memories and forgetting. Through this process I worked with non-linear inner narrative and applied the movement practices I experienced both in the dance studio and in the theatre space. This production and work-meetings, workshop and discussions with ........., with whom I work at ........, made me realise that there is no dichotomy between the search for emotional connections with the body and the search for inner physical connections. They both lead to exploration of a human.

My encounters with contemporary dance took place through various workshops and classes in Delhi and after experimenting with several movement techniques I realised that it is release technique combined with somatic practice in the broad sense of the term and improvised work with kinesthetic response that I am greatly interested in.

I had a brief experience with contact improvisation while attending the workshop of .......... in Delhi in 2012 and presently I am involved in a project directed by ........, which uses elements of release and contact improvisation to explore physical and emotional connectivity with historical and architectural space of Indo-islamic monuments in Delhi.

These two experiences with contact improvisation left me with the powerful feeling of joy at experiencing self both against the static surface of a wall as well as in harmony with another body while searching for a unison experience. Through being connected to another body I discovered the joy of freedom in the unknown and the beauty of listening to my own and others' bodily responses. I would like to continue to search for other opportunities involving experiencing the give-and-take relationship with other selves.

In addition I feel that until now most of my creative search has been based on exploring connections between emotional memory and physicality, but at this point I would want to expand the scope of my movement work by exploring the interplay between different movement qualities, searching for the inner physical connections, as well as understanding movement principles such as weight shifting and the inner geometry of the body.

Having worked as a solo performer for a long time I feel the need to open up and meet other contemporary dancers and work in a collaborative group settings to sense the group energies. I would like to experience shared approach to creative movement work as opposed to the competitive environment of an urban or classical dance set up. I believe that art should be based on sharing and inner exploration rather that competition and depending on outward physical manifestations.

And then the parrot flew high in the sky....She touched the moon, and the sun, and all the stars... And each day she would happily come back to her green tree because that was the place where she belonged. She even built a nest by collecting tiny twigs scattered around the tree, and sometimes in moments of bemusement she would look at the rusted iron cage lying on the ground at a distance.

Fragments of research project I applied for when I was still studying Chhau - rejected:

Female Performers of Chhau Dance.

Introduction
I began my training in Seraikella Chhau in 2007 under the guidance of Guru ........ at ........... in New Delhi. I can still remember a discussion with a male classmate of mine, who seeing my eagerness to learn and eventually use Chhau for my professional dancing career told me “It will be difficult for you – after all Chhau is the men’s world”.
It is true that traditionally Chhau dance was performed by males only. However, in the 1930ties few women were introduced into this art form and gradually some women tried to break the taboo of non-female art form and began to join Chhau groups.
My personal experiences with Chhau:
 Throughout the years of my training many women of various ages have joined classes, but most of them would leave after few months of training. I couldn’t stop wondering over the reasons why they decided to discontinue their training. Is it because the rigorous physical exercises are exhausting for the body and require a lot of stamina and physical strength? I do not feel physically weaker than my male counterparts in the class. Is it because of lack of repertoire that women could perform? But Chhau does have a number of dance items that include female characters. Is it because of social conditions? Is it so that because of traditional set up women should not participate in the art that stresses its martial arts background? But there are forms of martial art, such as Kalaripayattu in Kerala that have always been open to female practitioners. Moreover, the technique of Chhau itself apart from boasting of its martial arts, and thus “manly” background, at the same time stresses the importance of women in a household as the core of basic movements depict everyday activities of village women.  In addition – the female classmates of mine did not learn in traditional village setup but had their training in an institutionalized set up of a metropolitan city. There were a number of successful female performers such as ............... who gave a number of Chhau performances. Is it because of their foreign origin that they were allowed access to training in this “manly” form of performing arts? But before these foreign dancers appeared on the stage of Chhau there were some Indian women performers of that dance. My Guru .............. told me that in the 1930ties a group of Seraikella Chhau performers was invited to perform in Europe. Overnight the Ostads, or Gurus, decided that their performance would be more attractive if they include some female performers into their troupe.  Who were they? Why are they forgotten by the history of Chhau dance? 
Some efforts to promote Chhau dance among women:
Recently some efforts have been made to include girls among the students of .............. However, even during the recent performance (13.02.2011) by the center during the ........... Festival at ........., there has not been even a single female artist among a dozen of performers of the group.
In an interview after the performance of Chhau during the .............., a festival devoted to female participation in theatre .........., an artist of Purulia Chhau spoke about her experiences as a female student of Chhau:
 “For 45 days, I waited for my Chhau gurus to agree to teach me as girls are not allowed to perform the Chhau and when they did, they did not allow me to wear the Chhau mask that wears three kilos. Just to gain entry was a long struggle and now that I have been practicing and teaching this style to other girls for 14 long years, I am still not sure whether girls will take on to this style in the future.” #
Chhau – general information:
Chhau is a martial art based dance/ dance-drama form that comes from Eastern India. There are three recognized styles of Chhau: Seraikella (Jharakhand), Mayurbhanj (Orissa) and Purulia (West Bengal). 
It is not certain how old this dance form is and scholars argue about the origin of its name. According to some the word “chhau” comes from the word “chhauni” – the cantonment, which stresses the martial arts background of the dance. Some believe that it comes form the word “chhai” or chhatak” describing clowning, while others derive it form the word “chaya” meaning  shadow.
All these styles share common background of martial art exercises known as Parikhanda (“pari” meaning shield and “khanda” meaning sword), which are supposed to prepare the body for the actual dance. The dance technique is based upon chaalis – basic types of walk that are derived from observing nature, ex. baagh chaali (tiger walk), mayor chaali (peacock walk), khel – variations of sword play, and ufli – 36 movements describing everyday human activities.
 It is true that all the three styles are based on similar technique, however, a closer look at the three styles reveals that there are significant differences in execution of movements, social background of the performers etc. 
Mask is a very important aspect of Chhau. The face of the performer is invisible to the audience and thus all the emotions have to be expressed through postures and body movements. While both Seraikella and Purulia Chhau use masks, Mayurbhanj does not use them at present, although it was in use until nineteenth century. The masks of Seraikella are suggestive and lyrical, while Purulia masks are more elaborate and often have sophisticated headgears.
Seraikella seems to be the most lyrical and suggestive of all the three styles, although some of the dance items do derive from the martial dances of the warriors. The dances of Purulia Chhau are very acrobatic, with numerous vaults and somersaults executed with great proficiency. Mayurbhanj has retained a lot of its martial character and many dance choreographies represent fights between groups or individual dancers.
It is interesting to observe that the performers of Purulia Chhau usually belong to the tribal community (Mura, Bhumij, Kurmi) and that there is no significant royal patronage for Chhau artists of that region. In case of Mayurbhanj Chhau the dance was supported by the royal family, but it was only in Seraikella Chhau that the members of royal family not only provided patronage to the dance form but also participated actively in Chhau as dancers and choreographers.
Chhau performances take place throughout the year, but traditionally Chhau is an important element of Chaitra Parva (Spring Festival) that takes place in the month of Chaitra (March/April). It is festival devoted to Lord Shiva in his form of Ardhanarishwara during which Bhaktas or devotees observe various austerities and participate in religious ceremonies. The festival concludes with Chhau performances, that often take a form of dance competitions between various dance schools. The schools are grouped together under the name of Uttara Sahi and Dakhina Sahi in case of Mayurbhanj Chhau, and Bazar Sahi and Brahmin Sahi in case of Seraikella.
In 2010 UNESCO recognized Chhau as Cultural World Heritage, and thus it is expected that a lot of support will be given for promotion of Chhau dance not only in India, but also abroad.
Female elements/aspects of Chhau:
It is interesting that though traditionally Chhau was performed only by males, 18 of uflis (basic movements) describe the everyday activities of a housewife. Some of these are: Kharikiba – sweeping the floor, Gobar kudha – picking up dry cowdung, Sari Pinda – wearing a sari, Sindoor Tika – applying of sindoor, etc.
It is said that when in 1938 a group of Seraikella Chhau dancers traveled to Europe it was decided that two female performers should accompany them and overnight a new dance choreography: Devadasi was composed for them and from that time onwards female performers started to join some Chhau groups.
Some of female performers of Mayurbhanj Chhau: Sulochana Mohanta, Sharon Lowen, Ileana Citaristi, Kabita Patnaik, Sarojini Das etc,
Some of female performers of Seraikella Chhau: Shogun Bhutani, Rakha Mitra, Roshni Ghosh, Brandy Leary, etc. 
Some of female performers of  Purulia Chhau: Madhumita Paul.
Some of Mayurbhanj Chhau dance choreographies that involve female characters: Sita Svayamvar, Bastra Haran, Premika-Premika, Chandra Bhaga, Lab Durga, Tamudiya Krishna, etc.
Some of Seraikella Chhau dance choreographies that involve female characters: Devadasi, Chandra Bhaga, Radha Krishna, Durga, Nabik, Dasamahavidya, etc.
Some of Purulia Chhau dance choreographies that involve female characters: Mahisha Mardini

It is interesting to note here that in case of Mayurbhanj and Seraikella Chhau there are quite a few female students and performers, however the number is very limited when it comes to Purulia Chhau. Is it because of differences of technique? Because of differences in the social background of the performers of all the styles of Chhau, or perhaps the lack of proper training centers in metropolitan cities that prevent female students from learning?


The Project:
Not much is known about the history of female participation in the Chhau performances thus a research that would trace the individual histories of female pioneers in the field as well as the collective history of social acceptance of female Chhau performers.

One of the objectives of this project is to document the history of female performers of Chhau, which shall involve gathering of visual documentation of costumes and dance choreographies, and also to examine how the involvement of women in this traditionally male dominated performing art form influenced the tradition of performance and training. Another aim is to explore the process of interaction between female performers and their male counterparts, dance gurus and musicians as well as to look at the history of social acceptance of female Chhau practitioners. 
The research shall be based on participant observation involving personal interviews with Chhau performers (both male and female), dance gurus, musicians, patrons, and dance audiences as well as families of female Chhau performers. 
 The study is also aiming at gathering visual documentation of dance costumes, and dance choreographies performed by female Chhau dancers and thus it shall involve direct participation and observation of the life of community of Chhau performers, their training and performances.
The research is aimed not only at creating a documentation of female participation but also at empowering women to stand against the patriarchal social value system. I believe that by setting the examples of female Chhau performers women of local communities that are connected with Chhau dance would see themselves as equal with men on various platforms. 
Main questions that shall be addressed by the research and conference are:
What is the history of female Chhau performers?
Who are/were female performers of Chhau?
Are there any differences in history/ social acceptance for female Chhau performers in different styles of Chhau?
Have there been any changes in performance/training that happened because of female participation in Chhau?
To what extend did women penetrate the male dominated environment of Chhau dance?
Are female Chhau performers accepted by other Chhau performers and society in general?
What is the history of interaction between female Chhau performers and male Chhau performers who specialized in female roles?
What are the dance choreographies performed by/taught to female Chhau dancers?
Are there any social impacts on community life because of female participation in Chhau dance?






Fragments of application for a performance grant -rejected




I,myself, Draupadi… 





I wish I could say that this proposal was inspired by the events of 16
December 2012, but it was not. The core of my proposal was growing
inside me for a long time, and as I think about it now it might have
been maturing with me from the day I was born, as issues of identity,
sexual oppression and the power structure cross all the boundaries of
geography, age, and culture (I'm referring here to the modern world
of patriarchal societies).  



I have never seen myself as a feminist but a series of personal
experiences, encounters with my male students and few middle-class
families, observation of everyday life situations and  readings such
as: Taslima Nasrin – Shodh, French Lover, Eve Ensler’s
 Vagina Monologues and recently a poem Shrinking women by Lily Myers
made me question my own identity as a woman.


The questions connected with what it means to be a woman, what defines me
as a woman? Is it just about a biology and ability to bear children?
Is it just about having the yoni/vagina (words that I have problems
with uttering even as a 30+ person) and its physiological functions?
Is it about the roles that the society imposes on women?  



As soon as I start thinking about “womanhood” I remember how my
mother used to ask me “have you fallen ill?” each time she wanted
to ask if I'm having my period. I remember how she would cook  my
father's favorite dishes, but nobody remembered to ask what would be
hers.


 I remember the expression “to go and see a girl for marriage” -
nobody goes to “talk” to a girl before marrying her, as if a
woman was to be seen only through the external beauty of her body.
Why do people only want to see women? Why can’t women be also
heard? Is my being limited only to my appearance?  Should I just keep
myself at the periphery of the society and family and allow events to
happen to me rather than take my own life in my own hands?


 I remember that marital rape is still beyond the purview of criminal
law in India. I also came across a newspaper article about a
panchayat in Haryana that decided that in order to fight the
increasing number of rapes the marriage age of girls should be made
lower. Another article was published in Tehelka about the problems
that women face when trying to report cases of rape at the police
station. Why is it that women are being blamed for being raped? Why
is it so that teenage girls should be given away in marriage in order
to protect them from a sleazy gaze of men? Why is it that Krishna in
Mahabharat did not try to prevent the humiliation of Draupadi, he
merely covered her up, but did not stop Duhshasana. Is wearing a
burqa, child marriage, not allowing women to go out unaccompanied a
way of protecting their chastity and honor? Or is it just another way
of oppressing them? Is it right to constantly cover your body in fear
and be subjugated by the patriarchal society or is it needed to use
the body as the act of protest like some women of Manipur who
undressed themselves in front of the army camp in order to protest.


 I remember the photoshopped pictures of “female beauty” staring at
me from covers of magazines. The mask of make-up covering the real
face. Is a female body really only an object? As I look back at my
own relationship with my body I realize how much unfair this
relationship was from my side, how as a woman I felt contempt towards
my own body by not being able to comply with societal norms of
“female beauty”, or rather the external beauty of female form.  I
would like to not here that when I say 'body' I do not mean the
physicality or sexuality of it, but rather the inner somatic
awareness, ability to perceive the body from inside as a thinking and
feeling organism, oneness of soma and psyche.


 I remember my own troubled relationships which left me with few physical and a
few psychological bruises, and society's reaction to it:
“har koi purush aisa hi karta hai, yah bilkul normal hai, yah
bardasht karna hai”. (Every man behaves like this, it's absolutely
normal, one has to bear with this.)  But I did not want to bear
anything that would violate my physical or psychological space. I
wanted to speak up for myself. And I finally did, and I guess I am
doing it now too by writing this proposal. An attempt at rebellion.


I feel that I have already succeeded in some of my little acts of
rebellion. I already know that my identity as a woman is not
connected with my body, which is often so wrongly objectified by
patriarchal power structure, but I am still unsure of what it is and
I still have not come to terms with the relationship between myself,
my body and female sexuality. I already know that I want to rebel,
but I don't know yet what stands a step ahead of it, what kind of
self-acceptation or self-discovery would it bring. I would like to be
able to find this answer one day. I guess many women would.


I believe that dance/theatre/any other form of art is not only about
the product, which is a performance, but about a process of enriching
oneself through connecting with one’s inner being.  This
performance is my search for my identity as a woman.  






Why this title?


The character of Draupadi has been fascinating me for a long time. She
always seemed to me so different from the stereotypical “good
Indian mother, wife, daughter”. I often see her as opposition to
Sita, who always passively allows things, such as the fire trial, to
happen to her, while Draupadi tries to speak up for herself and
remind everybody about her rights. 



 She has always been somebody I could feel closely connected to, somebody
I could understand, somebody I could identify with. I guess I could
feel that she and I share the similar experiences, similar approach
to life. But what experiences were similar between her and me?  Who
am I? And who Draupadi would be today? 



I can see Draupadi as a symbol of a woman whose mental and physical
intimate space was violated by the evil male gaze. Her body is
subjected to ruthless behavior of men and then she uses the same body
as an act of protest. It is the use of the female body as an object
subjected to violation and used as a means of protest that links
Draupadi with many contemporary women – Irom Sharmila, as Draupadi,
whose body is equal with the political body of Manipur; Sabitri
Heisnam and the women protestors of Manipur, who undressed themselves
as an act of protest against Indian Army; Drpti of Mahashweta Devi’s
story “Draupadi” and many more. 



In Indian culture the female body is worshiped as divine power of the
Goddess, and at the same time seen as obscene object and according to
rules of patriarchy its vital energy needs to be suppressed and
controlled. In Christianity it is Eve who is being blamed for the
original sin.






My plans for 2015 are not to be rejected - street dogs and cats never reject a bowl full of milk... and they are much nicer than most the people too.....