The war

Relationships with people are like words with multiple meanings. They both confuse me.

Did you know that Mahabharata did not begin over Draupadi's laughter...  It actually began over a cup of tea... and as it lasted for years of the armies of Kauravas and Pandavas throwing stones and spears at each other one fine day the poor innocent cup of tea felt so humiliated that it decided to run to the kitchen and pour itself out to the sink.
It felt that it lost all its taste.

The news of this tragedy spread beyond the fires of Janamejaya's sacrificial altar and reached the Monkey kingdom as well, so that from that day onwards the inhabitants of the lands of Kishkindha no longer drank the poisonous tea brewed by the repulsive men-eating mantis and decided to proclaim water as their national drink.

And relationships with people? They died suffocated under the ruins of the twin towers destroyed by the multiple attacks of the terrorist group that called itself  'lack of empathy and understanding'.

Dead end

She shall speak no more.

Padam

I lied.
I do wait for you to come.

Everyday.
Every sound outside the window makes me think about you.

Anticipation.
Anguish.

Non-existing knock on the doors.

Words.

Unspoken.
Undelivered.

Cowardice of the lips that refuse to speak.
Crowd of witnesses to those thoughts that belong to you only.

Thief enjoying secretly the memories of the touch of your hand.
Would my smile mesmerize you again today?

All the padams I've heard turned to one.
A girl with rosy lips and a dreamy boy.

Would you laugh at me if I told you all this?

Caterpillar

I opened the doors and sat on a threshold. It did have a symbolic meaning once upon a time when I was trying to find my way out of a white painted room, but today it did happen for real. A cup of hot tea in hand and memories of a man sitting in front of me long time back... The cat curled into a ball in my lap. The sound of the flute that played a false note from time to time and determination to finally strike a good one after a long time... A strange long creature with long white strands of hair writhing on a long green leaf right next to me.
Future butterfly or indestructible pest?

Why did you stop? I asked...

 It was only few days back that I made up my mind not to perform anymore. I was sitting there in a corner looking at all those beautiful bodies and all I could think about was the meaninglessness of all that... Ironic that not so long ago I was feeling ashamed of myself for not being able to achieve that perfection... But that day I felt happy to be different... Few days prior to that was a strange night when I stood in the light with this peculiar need of showing off to the people on the other side... It was so embarrassing... So aggressive... So...  A poet once said that all the artists are like prostitutes... and that was the feeling of that night when I discovered an aggressive performer in me... Not the silent actor who knew how to hold emotions inside, but a loud cocotte craving for the attention of the crowd.  An entertainer...

No... My ambition does not go as far as that. My ambition was satiated many years back on a cold winter night in a theatre building that I knew so well... We finished the performance and I stood on the stage looking towards that space in the audience where I used to like sitting so much... I was smiling... It was a good day. House full. Praise from the director. Our light designer was looking at me from the corner of his eyes. I think he was smiling too. Smiling at a little girl lost in the world of her dreams... And that was it... The end of hunger for more... Internal peace.

Maybe I was never ambitious in the first place? Or maybe I changed in all those years...

It's not like I'm giving up, it's just that the paradigm has shifted. Private and internal.
A wise man once told me that my path is right... That the only thing missing is ability to sit and meditate... I'm discovering it now. Internal silence...

How I wish I could tell you that, but my courage always ends somewhere in the middle...

A teenage girl used to think that she could only woo you with striving towards that outer perfection... But you wouldn't even look...

A young woman has tears in her eyes when she thinks you could possibly find her beautiful for her being rather than doing.
She would like to knit a scarf for you for Christmas... Mixture of blue, green and red colour... Like the wings of a butterfly...

A strange long creature with long white strands of hair writhing on a long green leaf right next to me.
Future butterfly or indestructible pest?

Christmas Eve

Kochana Mamo,

it was Christmas Eve yesterday and we all sat together around the table. I never thought that there may be so many of us that we would run out of chairs and some of the younger ones will have to sit in other's lap.
It was a long day cause I had to cook some of the Christmas dishes, but it is such a pleasure to cook when there are people around to be fed, and when every now and then somebody comes to the kitchen to help.
You have grown a bit older ad you remind me more and more of grandma...  Do you remember how grandma used to drink wine with us on Christmas? And she would always ask for another glass cause she thought wine to be evil and she prefered drinking it herself rather than allowing us to taste such a poisonous thing...
We laughed so much at the table... We were teasing each other like little kids and I enjoyed it so much... Nobody was mean... Nobody was telling me that I live in 'uncivilised world'...
I was holding your hand to help you walk those few steps from the table to your room...
My belly has become big and I love all the warmth and affection of everybody around... The warmth of the family life... The feeling of belonging... The feeling of unconditional love...

Kochana Mamo,

yesterday was thousand minutes back...  a minute back a toothless man on the phone told me to shift from Bangladesh to Delhi. They always know better what is good for me...


Kochana Mamo,

I am waiting for the Christmas eve to come...
I started knitting again and I'm making scarfs as gifts for everybody at home... So many scarves to knit... So much of warmth and happiness...
I love Christmas...

how did you manage?

They killed the elf... He did not fit into societal norms... His ears were too spiky and the crooked nose disturbed the sensibilities of everybody around...
They threw the decapitated body onto a railway track for the passers by to watch and comment. The hawks flying above waiting for a piece of fresh elfian meat.
A toothless man on the phone announced his death.
An inquiry into the matter revealed that this was an act of mercy killing.
Only the practical can live.
The plastic mind.
A six year old child shot a butterfly on a newly bought i pad. In the years to come this shall be the the only reminiscence of his childhood.  The i pad I mean, for the butterflies would have become extinct by the time he turns twenty.
An invitation to nowhere.

This dreadful need for normal life that will never be fulfilled.
Give me the scissors and cut me out of all the pictures.
How did you manage...
How did you manage...
Did you manage?
Will I manage?
How will I manage?
How did you manage...

The difference between responsibility and giving up.
You never know which one comes first.

How did you manage?
I don't think I will.

New Year

He woke up from his sleep and looked at me with his big eyes. It was strange to be looking at him as I could not make out their colour. Deep green? Light blue? Brown? simple grey or maybe scary black...

When i was a child I used to try to imagine what my life would be like when I become an adult. I guess I was supposed to be leading a rather arranged kind of life, or at least that's what my memory is telling me now. How silly and naive these images were -  a dog, satisfaction from work, steady relationship.
 I've been an adult for quite some time and I must tell you silly child that none of what you predicted came true. Wait... I'm lying... I am a strange mixture of an adult and a child that keeps dreaming even though the dreams might have changed a bit. Anyways...

He is standing in front of me and I have to make up my mind and decide how to greet him, but somehow the words are stuck in my mouth and I'm standing speechless not knowing what to say.

What would you do if you suddenly realised that you are standing nowhere? That there is no ground below your feet and you can just pack your bags and go... but go where? and what for? It's tiring to be a Nomad in all the spheres of one's life.

Wait a minute... I could here some say... why do you have to complain again... take the dough and enjoy it... get yourself a dress, go for a good dinner, buy that dream camera of yours, a scootie.
It's nice to have money to spend sometimes, but after living for so many years without it one learns how not to get carried away by it, so no... dear friend, the dough is not everything to live for.

It might look a bit different if there was a soul to share it with. But that soul is not there. It is still sleeping in a stone and I'm struggling so badly to find it. To create thousands of magical things together.

It might look a bit different if the place for creation could still exist... but it died buried under the bricks of full time job. It stayed in the messy library and refused to enter the perfect building of innovation and excelling. It refused to compete. It simply wanted to be.

It might look a bit different if there was a sense of belonging to a community. but strangely enough or not surprisingly at all, depending on your point of view, that sense  has been lost again and again I'm not able to comprehend if it's me who is not able to build relations with people around, who is always different from everybody else; or is it the community that prevents others from penetrating its structures.

It might look... or it might not.... but for the time being he is looking at me and I have to greet him somehow amongst all the confusions, fears, dreams and questions that I have...

The New Year.

Beauty all around...

Nawafar woke up from deep sleep. She was lying on the rocks somewhere near the river bank. She could feel the touch of sun on her face and it felt so warm and comforting to be just lying there without any movement after hours of fighting against the furious torrent of the river that brought her here. She smiled to herself. Her eyelids felt heavy and she did not feel like opening them. Not yet. She always enjoyed playing little games with herself, and this time she wanted to feel her whereabouts through sounds. She could hear the rustling of the leaves in the wind, the birds that were calling each other. One of them sat somewhere near and sang his song to attract other birds. She was amazed that the birds were not afraid of her human presence. They seemed to be aware of her mood and for a moment she thought that they are a part of her own self. Reflections of her own thoughts. The monkeys were playing somewhere at a distance. She always loved their presence, their playfulness and human like appearance.
She opened her eyes...
He was sitting on a rock near by breathing slowly as if in fear that the sound of his breath might frighten her. His deep set eyes were fixed on her and she knew that he recognised her instantly. She also knew that it was him, but she couldn't hide her surprise at discovering that a person sitting opposite was a man and not a young boy. It confused her, as she remembered him as a companion to her childhood games and the thought that he might have been leading life while separated from her never entered her thoughts.


Rajkumari stood confused at the crossing unable to decide which way to turn. All around her were high buildings with advertising banners that screamed of different pleasures of life awaiting you if only you had enough money to spend.
Why feel sorry... said one.
Why feel sorry? Rajkumari thought for a moment, but that moment confused her even more as deep inside she did feel sorry for many things happening around her and within her. She felt sorry for the lonely woman lying on a hospital bed, for the dog standing confused in the middle of the crossroad, for the child who had not seen his parents for the last ten days as they were too busy with their work. And in a way she also felt sorry for herself... She was a third world Rajkumari thrown suddenly into a middle of this speedy city with its beautiful inhabitants who knew so well how to live, while she was confused about life at every step she took.
The people around her were so beautiful with their perfect bodies. The grand master looked at her with contempt the other day as she could not fulfill the requirements of joining the club - he could not find the box to put her into... And was he really a grand master anyways? Somehow his long beard seemed like a marketing gimmick to her, but once again she was nobody to comment on such things as the worshippers of his perfect body were at his feet day and night.
Hey girl... why do you look sulky? somebody shouted from a fast moving car, Come and join us for a fun ride... Why don't you just go to the shop and get yourself a plastic bear to play with?
Rajkumari turned her face the other side. There was a tear in her eyes that she wanted to hide from all those wise and beautiful people who were marching all around her.


Her eyes were fixed on his face and she could not help smiling gently as she was trying to examine every line around his eyes and trying to imagine the histories hidden behind every single one of them. Was he looking at her in the same way?
She could be sitting like this forever... simply looking at the man in front of her and trying to gently strike his thoughts with her smile. She couldn't move, scared that a man in front of her might be just a mirage, a creation of her imagination, but somewhere deep inside she knew that it was not true. She couldn't move, but at the same time all her being wanted to sit close to him, with her head on his shoulder. She wanted to grow up for him and make up to him for every line on his face, for the coarse touch of his hand. She wanted to see him smile and listen to the most subtle changes in his voice in order to know his ever changing moods. That was enough, she did not have the courage to ask for more. She didn't need more... she was happy sitting next to him on a stone looking far away towards the lands that none of them had seen before...

The city of Power

Rajkumari was bored, which seemed a bit strange to her, for apparently intelligent people don't get bored, and she did believe that it was intelligence rather than beauty that was her virtue. Anyways, Rajkumari was bored and something had to be done about it. The elfian creatures were hiding in the forest and Rajkumari decided to give them some time to breathe after the last battle. One should admit that she had a big heart after all since she decided to treat her enemy lightly for a moment... But... oh believe me how bored she was because of that!!!!! She really suffered terrible pangs of boredom and something had to be done about it instantly!
But what can I do? asked Rajkumari the royal tiger, who turned his royal tail at her and marched to the inner chambers of the castle. How rude of him, she thought as she sat down in her magic garden pondering over her problem, which decided to stay with her rather than join the tiger in the chambers...
Rajkumari was bored to death... And since life was rather dear to her she really needed to think of something fast... And then... Abracadabra... the royal dragon came up with an amazing idea - a trip to the other side of the world - straight to the famous New York city!!!!!
How splendid! Rajkumari shouted with joy as she began to get ready for her new adventure. I never dreamt of going to the other side of the world, and now I can really see what it feels like to be in the first world country, the most glorious country of them all...

Welcome to New York city, a big sign shouted at Rajkumari as she descended from her royal dragon. (To tell you the truth Rajkumari walked all her way to the other side of the world, but for the sake of decorum the royal dragon must be included in the story.) How incredible the sign was!!!! So huge and colourful with so many famous names inscribed on it... The eyes of Rajkumari suddenly became moist as she felt very very little in front of that sign.
Soon Rajkumari left the not so interesting suburbs and reached the heart of the city... How tall the buildings were... How finely designed, the geometry of the place was incredible - the street lights above her head and the glass walls of high buildings all around her... The very sight of it made her understand that she was indeed standing in the place where all the power and wealth of the world meet. And to think that the world outside that space was so different - a dog with only three legs whom she patted in the rain, an old woman who asked for food outside the sports ground where the children played, people cooking by the side of the road... None of such things seemed to be present in the minds of beautiful people of the most beautiful city in the world...
Hello, said one of the men who approached her as she was standing in awe of the architecture around her, would you like to sit with me for a minute so that I could discuss my latest marketing theory with you?
I'm sorry, but I don't know much about marketing, Rajkumari mumbled in shame.
Oh, no problem... well... how about some diet coke and diet chips with diet burger with me? It would only take 14 minutes to have them...
Oh, sorry, I'm not hungry, Rajkumari mumbled again as she was getting more confused and embarrassed of her limited knowledge and lack of appetite.
Then what are you doing here? asked the man politely.
Oh, I'm just a tourist - came here to get to know something about the greatest city of the world.
Well... I know a place that you may want to visit here - look over there on the right side you have the President's house, and if you take the first turn you will reach the place of thousand dreams - Broadway!!!!!
Broadway!? Rajkumari couldn't believe her ears, really???? me, a third world Rajkumari can go to Broadway?????? how incredible and exciting that is...

The copy paste world

You who enter, abandon all thought...
There is no need for thinking,
I'll simply cut out the thoughts from an old magazine and stick them to your face.
It will give you a new old personality, full of repetitive ideas that I may try to sell you as your own.
Backspace. Click thrice. It was a mistake.
I'll just click to open the world that you had created before me and I shall take out of it a few words and paste them as my own.

Lets paste a selfie on the front page of knowledge. Poor old knowledge lost its charm and needs to update itself from time to time, isn't it?
So let's click that damn selfie with our plastic smiles and post it for the world to see.
Lets cut out the moon, the fool who doesn't even know that his light is a mere reflection.
Let's google the facts and accuse it of of stealing the sun.
Let's put it on trial and pronounce the death penalty.
Death to the Moon!
Death to the stars!
Death to the parrots for they failed to present themselves above our heads at the usual 6 pm hour.
Death to the colours!
Death to the trees!
Death to the old, who needs them anyways? The relicts of irrelevant past, while all we want is to look towards the future.

Segregation. Neat folders. Applications.
The news reached our ears about the recent creation of the concentration camp for those who do not own an android cell phone.
Lets punish them for inability to catch up with the modern times.
Lets throw them out from amongst our midst, they don't deserve to be here.
Attention! March! Look to the right!
The copy paste world that we created involuntarily.
Flag up! Salute!

Can you please stop it, for I can't take it anymore...

The red button down.